The TV news is at it again this morning, no doubt the radio too but I haven't listened. Jade Goody has died of cancer. This story took up the first 13 minutes of BBC News 24's bulletin this morning and was mentioned another three times in the next half hour. Why?
Check the stats. About 425 people die from this awful disease EVERY DAY in the UK. Why didn't the other 424 get a mention on the news? What makes JG special? From what I could make out, she was a fat, gobby, talentless showoff.
I'm sorry, I just don't understand this 'celebrity culture'. And I think that those that do understand it should also lend a thought to the other 424 people that died today. Better still, go here and make a donation.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Super wank word!
OK, this one completes my week of wankwords, and what a super one it is!
Saturday's (super) wankword is: Standardised Mortality Ratio. WTF?
Anyway, this is getting a bit boring now, so before I leave the subject I'll just let you know about another version of Wankword Bingo I've found. It's the Wankword Challenge. Quite simple really. If you and your colleagues are going into a meeting, you think up before hand some obscure wankword, and then designate one of you to work that word into the meeting. The more obscure the wankword, the harder the challenge. Great fun! Happy wankwording.
Saturday's (super) wankword is: Standardised Mortality Ratio. WTF?
Anyway, this is getting a bit boring now, so before I leave the subject I'll just let you know about another version of Wankword Bingo I've found. It's the Wankword Challenge. Quite simple really. If you and your colleagues are going into a meeting, you think up before hand some obscure wankword, and then designate one of you to work that word into the meeting. The more obscure the wankword, the harder the challenge. Great fun! Happy wankwording.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Don't hurt its legs!
There was a shriek from the bathroom this morning. The little lady had discovered a 'tarantula' in the bath. "It's that big" she says, holding hands out that would easily encirle a dustbin lid (the old-fashioned corrugated type, not a wheely bin). The offending creature was, in fact, about an inch wide.Anyway, I ejected the helpless thing out of the bathroom window onto the conservatory roof - it's probably climbed back into the bathroom by now - and I got thinking. Why can't spiders get out of the bath when they can easily walk upside-down on ceilings?
And also, after almost bringing down the house walls by the power of their screams, why do girls suddenly get all protective of the spider's welfare? Stuff like "don't trap its legs" or "don't drop it too far". Why are you bothered?
I once had a girlfriend who was petrified of spiders, but when she saw one stuck in the bath she used to make a 'spider ladder' - a strip of bog roll draped over the side of the bath - so that it could climb out itself. What's all that about? Women!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Natasha Richardson.
I'd never heard of her until three days ago. She's headline news today after dying following a skiing accident. Now that's awful and tragic news, no doubt about it. But should it be the leading story? I think not! After a few seconds research on Google, I found out that dozens of people a year die on slopes in the USA alone. Why don't they get a mention on the news? Because they're not important?
The good old BBC ran the story as the lead item this morning. They even had a reporter outside the hospital where she died in Manhattan. "What's the latest from New York, Heather?". "Well Bill, she's still dead!". Come on... do we really need it?
The good old BBC ran the story as the lead item this morning. They even had a reporter outside the hospital where she died in Manhattan. "What's the latest from New York, Heather?". "Well Bill, she's still dead!". Come on... do we really need it?
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Super wank word!
Today's (super) wankword is: Consistency of beaconicity. No shit! I heard in on Radio 4's 'Today' programme this morning.
Gissa job!
Well, today was my last day in my present job. I have been made redundant. I have known for a few weeks, having worked out my notice. So have the bosses who made the decision.
Neither of them are here today to say a simple "thanks and good luck". Nor did they find time to say it before today. I think it's disgraceful.
Neither of them are here today to say a simple "thanks and good luck". Nor did they find time to say it before today. I think it's disgraceful.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Wank word!
Tuesday's wankword: Buzzword.
There seems to be a pattern emerging here. To make a wankword, you just add two normal non-wankwords together. Perhaps you could add two or more wankwords together to make a super-wankword. I'll try and make some of my own up and see if I can get people using them.
There seems to be a pattern emerging here. To make a wankword, you just add two normal non-wankwords together. Perhaps you could add two or more wankwords together to make a super-wankword. I'll try and make some of my own up and see if I can get people using them.
Wannabe American?
Why do ordinary (i.e. English, not American) people sing in American accents? Geordies, Brummies, carrot crunchers, cider drinkers, all of 'em. They all have almost indecipherable lilts to their voices when speaking, yet when they sing they magically attain an American accent.
The only exceptions I can think of is the lovely Cerys Matthews, boyo, and that geezer out of Blur.
The only exceptions I can think of is the lovely Cerys Matthews, boyo, and that geezer out of Blur.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Wankword obsession?
Help! It seems as though I'm becoming wank-word obsessed. I'm listening out for them all the time now. I think I may be developing a wank-word problem. Where do I go? Wankwordaholic's anonymous? Anyone have their number?
Anyway, in my quest to discover more wankwords, I stumbled upon another chap's blog post about tips on things to avoid when writing a resume (or CV as we call it here).
You can read Steve Yegge's full post here.
=============================================================
Tip #5: Avoid Wank Words
Wank Words are words that inflate your perceived importance (e.g. using "architected" rather than "designed"), or words that have simply become synonyms, such as "Rational UML Process", for the so-called work done by people who sit on their asses and don't know how to code anymore.
Wank Words are worse than just devoid of content; they're active indicators of total inactivity. Resume screeners either delete Wank Words or replace them with the word "wank" (e.g., "Certified Wank Master"), which makes the resume a lot easier to scan.
"Advocate" is a common wank word, when it refers to a title or position. If it's a verb then it's just a weasel word, but if you think it's your title, then you've inflated yourself into Wanker territory. Either way, if you're walking around advocating stuff, it means you're not working. Also, it means nobody listens to you, because if you possessed actual leadership, people would just do what you recommended and then you wouldn't need advocate it anymore. So "advocate" just means "wanker".
"Consultant" is often another absolutely outstanding synonym for "wanker". Now let me just add, before I get stabbed to death by eager members of the heavily armed Consultant Industry, that some consultants are great. The problem is that the odds are completely stacked against you in tech resume screening. It's like fast-food experience when applying to be a waiter at a fancy restaurant. It might have helped you hone your waiter skills, but the odds are against it, and a lot of the art of resume screening is about weighing odds.
The problem with "consultant" is that it has two meanings. It can either mean "person who was hired on a contract basis to fill a coding need in the organization", or it can mean "person hired to 'consult', aka 'wank', because the hiring organization is too clueless to solve their own problems and too incompetent to retain even one full-time staff member capable of helping them, so they turn to paid self-help." When you see the word on a resume, it can be hard to distinguish which kind it is.
The all-time worst Wank Word is probably "Methodologist". It will definitely get your resume circulated around at tech companies, but not for the reasons you were hoping. Any sort of amusing synonym for "Methodologist", such as Scrum Master, generally has the same effect.
Wank Words are a bit like the adjectives on restaurant menus — meaningless fluff words added in an attempt to make the dish sound tasty. You can get a much clearer idea of what the hell it is that you're contemplating eating if you take all the adjectives out, including nouns and noun-strings that serve as adjectives. For instance, House Cured Spice Rubbed Apple Smoked Line Caught Columbia River Coho Salmon, when all the Wank Words are removed, becomes "Salmon", which is of course the only part of the description that you're actually eating. Depending on how you feel about what that winds up being, you can replace all the adjectives with either "icky" or "yummy", e.g. "Yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy Salmon", or "Icky icky icky icky icky icky icky icky Eggplant."
Hence, many wank-filled resumes wind up looking, after the screeners have marked them up a bit, like this: "Senior wanker wanking for the Wank-Wank Institute of Wankology on the wank wank wank project during which I wanked successfully with seven other wanky wankers."
Well, "senior" is also kind of a wank word, but you get the idea.
=============================================================
Anyway, my wankword for Monday is: Gameplan.
Anyway, in my quest to discover more wankwords, I stumbled upon another chap's blog post about tips on things to avoid when writing a resume (or CV as we call it here).
You can read Steve Yegge's full post here.
=============================================================
Tip #5: Avoid Wank Words
Wank Words are words that inflate your perceived importance (e.g. using "architected" rather than "designed"), or words that have simply become synonyms, such as "Rational UML Process", for the so-called work done by people who sit on their asses and don't know how to code anymore.
Wank Words are worse than just devoid of content; they're active indicators of total inactivity. Resume screeners either delete Wank Words or replace them with the word "wank" (e.g., "Certified Wank Master"), which makes the resume a lot easier to scan.
"Advocate" is a common wank word, when it refers to a title or position. If it's a verb then it's just a weasel word, but if you think it's your title, then you've inflated yourself into Wanker territory. Either way, if you're walking around advocating stuff, it means you're not working. Also, it means nobody listens to you, because if you possessed actual leadership, people would just do what you recommended and then you wouldn't need advocate it anymore. So "advocate" just means "wanker".
"Consultant" is often another absolutely outstanding synonym for "wanker". Now let me just add, before I get stabbed to death by eager members of the heavily armed Consultant Industry, that some consultants are great. The problem is that the odds are completely stacked against you in tech resume screening. It's like fast-food experience when applying to be a waiter at a fancy restaurant. It might have helped you hone your waiter skills, but the odds are against it, and a lot of the art of resume screening is about weighing odds.
The problem with "consultant" is that it has two meanings. It can either mean "person who was hired on a contract basis to fill a coding need in the organization", or it can mean "person hired to 'consult', aka 'wank', because the hiring organization is too clueless to solve their own problems and too incompetent to retain even one full-time staff member capable of helping them, so they turn to paid self-help." When you see the word on a resume, it can be hard to distinguish which kind it is.
The all-time worst Wank Word is probably "Methodologist". It will definitely get your resume circulated around at tech companies, but not for the reasons you were hoping. Any sort of amusing synonym for "Methodologist", such as Scrum Master, generally has the same effect.
Wank Words are a bit like the adjectives on restaurant menus — meaningless fluff words added in an attempt to make the dish sound tasty. You can get a much clearer idea of what the hell it is that you're contemplating eating if you take all the adjectives out, including nouns and noun-strings that serve as adjectives. For instance, House Cured Spice Rubbed Apple Smoked Line Caught Columbia River Coho Salmon, when all the Wank Words are removed, becomes "Salmon", which is of course the only part of the description that you're actually eating. Depending on how you feel about what that winds up being, you can replace all the adjectives with either "icky" or "yummy", e.g. "Yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy Salmon", or "Icky icky icky icky icky icky icky icky Eggplant."
Hence, many wank-filled resumes wind up looking, after the screeners have marked them up a bit, like this: "Senior wanker wanking for the Wank-Wank Institute of Wankology on the wank wank wank project during which I wanked successfully with seven other wanky wankers."
Well, "senior" is also kind of a wank word, but you get the idea.
=============================================================
Anyway, my wankword for Monday is: Gameplan.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Wankword bingo.
Further to my post, two articles down, I found a brilliant idea some chap has come up with called 'wankword bingo'. To play, just print off the wankword card from here. Then simply tick off wank words as you hear them and as soon as you have five in a line, vertically, horizontally or diagonally, shout BINGO!
This card's specifically designed for corporate meetings, but you could change the wank words or phrases to suit the occasion, for example a train journey, a night down the pub, or even a CAMRA committee meeting :-) Hours of fun for free!
I'm going to see if I can come up with a wankword-a-day for the next week. I'll post them here as soon as I hear them.
Oh, and while I'm on about my previous post, I counted 37 'absolutely's' on the TV and radio on Thursday without even trying. How sad is that?
This card's specifically designed for corporate meetings, but you could change the wank words or phrases to suit the occasion, for example a train journey, a night down the pub, or even a CAMRA committee meeting :-) Hours of fun for free!
I'm going to see if I can come up with a wankword-a-day for the next week. I'll post them here as soon as I hear them.
Oh, and while I'm on about my previous post, I counted 37 'absolutely's' on the TV and radio on Thursday without even trying. How sad is that?
Gissa job.
I'm job hunting at the moment. So, I sit down with the job supplement out of the local paper and search through the pages.
What's all this crap I'm faced with? Job titles such as 'Corporate Performance Officer', Crisis Worker', 'Financial Inclusion Officer' and my personal favourite, 'Sector Facilitator'.
Perhaps if I knew what they actually meant, I might apply for them. Gissa job!
What's all this crap I'm faced with? Job titles such as 'Corporate Performance Officer', Crisis Worker', 'Financial Inclusion Officer' and my personal favourite, 'Sector Facilitator'.
Perhaps if I knew what they actually meant, I might apply for them. Gissa job!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Firty-fahsand fevvers.
Shall I tell you what gets on my nerves? Well, loads of stuff actually, but today I'll have a moan about the things people say.
I was listening to the Today programme on BBC Radio 4 on my way to work this morning (I usually pick up a word I've never heard before – today it was 'ululate') and it's amazing how many people respond to a question or statement with the word 'absolutely'. Absolutely what? Everybody's saying it. You just listen out for it. It gets on my friggin' nerves!
What else? Ah, yes! People who follow a statement with 'It really does' or 'I really do'. For example “I like chocolate, I really do”. I know you do, you just fucking told me once!
Other things people say that make my toes curl:- 'err' or 'um' or 'like' at the beginning of every sentence. 'you know' or 'understand' at the end of sentences. Some other tosser phrases I hate:- 'as I say', 'at the end of the day', 'when all said and done'. There are many, many more. I may make a list one day. Or maybe not.
And it's not just what they say, it's how they say it. Why do so many people now pronounce 'th' as 'f' or 'v', as in “firty-fahsand fevvers on a frushes froat” - “How do you spell that, my man?” - “You don't spell it – it's a fuckin' number!”
Now if you were a thick cockney twat off East Enders, I might forgive you for talking like that, but a growing number of kids (and adults) are speaking that way too. Aren't schools teaching the Queen's English any more? And don't get me started on the written word and grammar! Well perhaps in another post.
P.S. Sad bastard as I am, I'm going to monitor the TV and radio tomorrow and count how many times people respond with the word 'absolutely'. Gripping stuff, eh?
I was listening to the Today programme on BBC Radio 4 on my way to work this morning (I usually pick up a word I've never heard before – today it was 'ululate') and it's amazing how many people respond to a question or statement with the word 'absolutely'. Absolutely what? Everybody's saying it. You just listen out for it. It gets on my friggin' nerves!
What else? Ah, yes! People who follow a statement with 'It really does' or 'I really do'. For example “I like chocolate, I really do”. I know you do, you just fucking told me once!
Other things people say that make my toes curl:- 'err' or 'um' or 'like' at the beginning of every sentence. 'you know' or 'understand' at the end of sentences. Some other tosser phrases I hate:- 'as I say', 'at the end of the day', 'when all said and done'. There are many, many more. I may make a list one day. Or maybe not.
And it's not just what they say, it's how they say it. Why do so many people now pronounce 'th' as 'f' or 'v', as in “firty-fahsand fevvers on a frushes froat” - “How do you spell that, my man?” - “You don't spell it – it's a fuckin' number!”
Now if you were a thick cockney twat off East Enders, I might forgive you for talking like that, but a growing number of kids (and adults) are speaking that way too. Aren't schools teaching the Queen's English any more? And don't get me started on the written word and grammar! Well perhaps in another post.P.S. Sad bastard as I am, I'm going to monitor the TV and radio tomorrow and count how many times people respond with the word 'absolutely'. Gripping stuff, eh?
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Crash!
On this week's '24' one person - ONE single person - deliberately sabotaged and reformatted the entire FBI computer system. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
I love that programme.
I love that programme.
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