Bloody bees!

There has been a recent report by scientists about the alarming drop in the number of the bee population. The reason for the demise of bee colonies, they say, is unexplained. Well, they haven't looked very far. For I can reveal today where all the bees have disappeared to.

Now the warmer weather is coming, I have started opening the conservatory doors out onto the garden so I can enjoy the fresh air of a spring day. Within 30 seconds of opening the doors, a bee has magically flown in and is buzzing around the windows, unable to find the exit - how come they find their way in so easily but can't get out? Another mystery for scientists.

Anyway, this happens every time the doors are opened. As the things are too thick to get out, they buzz themselves silly until they're lying belly up on the window sill, getting frazzled by the sun. So my conservatory is a mass bee cemetery and that's where they've gone to. Simple, really.

What's happened to fruit?

I was walking past the market yesterday and was enticed by all the lovely displays of fruit. Now, I don't buy much fruit any more because it's generally shit. But this looked so good, I succumbed to the appetising display of colours - reds and yellows and pinks and greens, orange and purples and blues - thank you Cilla. I bought some plums and strawberries.

I should have known better. These things were so big they might have been grown for the set on a science fiction film. This kind of fruit just shouldn't be that big. So what did they taste like? Nothing. No flavour. Just bigness. And colour. Pleasing to the eye, shit on the pallet. I had been suckered again.

This is true with most fruit now. Apples taste like cardboard. Peaches are fibrous with no juice whatsoever. I could go on. What happened to the days when you bought a (single!) peach, bit into it and the juice ran down your chin (ooooer)? They are usually so hard that you lose your crowns when you bite into the fuckers!

So you bin the first one 'cos you can't eat it and put the rest into the fruit bowl and wait for them to ripen.

And wait. And wait. And wait. Then you test them again and they're still hard. So you go and do something that takes about three minutes, turn back to the fruit bowl and the fuckers have turned into a mouldy, mushy mess!

Fruit? Forget it.